I am a walking contradiction!
Honestly my name should have been Barbara Paradox. Now I know what those who love me are thinking- Stop thinking so negative about yourself Bee. You downplay yourself way too much. I can hear you guys in my ear now. But it’s the truth! When it comes to love and relationships, I don’t know if I am coming or going! Hell, sometimes I cum just so one of us can go!
Too much? This is my personal blog…and well…. ITS PERSONAL!
So why the contradictions and paradoxes? Well I am always confessing that I am afraid to end up alone like my mother. There is nothing I want more than to have a partner who I can share my successes with, who I can count on when I feel like the rug is being pulled out from underneath me, who I can cater to and inspire and in a sense make better. I mean a partner should add and not take away from your life, right? Right.
For the most part this all sounds pretty sensible. We all want to love and be loved.
Except, the minute I am in an actual relationship, anything that smells like or looks like a relationship, or has the slightest potential to turn into a relationship, anxiety sets in and I suddenly transform from Sensible Bee to Barbara Paradox- cape and all!
My super power? Sabotaging myself. Either by entering a relationship with someone I have NO business being in a relationship with or by letting over thinking ruin a good thing before it even has a chance to become a good thing!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard someone who cares for me tell me that I need to find someone who is on my level or someone of my caliber. Um first of all, what does that even meeean????
What is my level or caliber? Is there like a model number that I should be looking for? Because if so, and I suddenly find out that I’ve been doing this all wrong, then my life would make so much sense and I could just dust off my self-esteem and bend and snap the minute Mr. Bee Compatible comes around.
But if not, then I will admit that I absolutely have dated “project men”. Yes, some of them have lived in the projects with their mothers BUT that’s NOT what I mean (insert crying incessantly emoji here). What I mean is, I’ve dated men who I thought I could love into reaching their potential. I had a mission. I was going to make something out of nothing. Turns out project men think driven women are controlling (despite all the good that has flourished in their life because of dating said woman) and well SURPRISE, the relationships did not work. P.s you’re welcome though!
FYI, project men are not necessarily BAD men. Chances are they are kind, sometimes employed (don’t laugh, I’m so serious) and if you’re lucky they are good in bed. What they are NOT good at, however, is helping you advance in life. Don’t get ahead of yourselves here. Let me explain myself Susan. I do not believe that you should take advantage of anyone, ever, but I do believe that if you are going to make a commitment of time, effort, compromise, love and patience, then there absolutely SHOULD be some advantages! Reciprocated love being the best advantage of all, but ultimately your partner should absolutely help you become better. Even if the least they are doing is simply inspiring you to do so!
Long story short, I’ve given way more than I’ve ever received to the wrong person every time. So why not attempt to do so to the right person? The same reason I procrastinate: fear. (Read my post on procrastination here.) I’m afraid of attaining greatness and not knowing how to keep it or I’m afraid that I simply won’t be good enough. That’s a pretty scary truth. But its my truth. So, I jump in with both feet, rush, experience the highs and the lows DEEPLY, and then lick my wounds when it’s over and keep on moving.
The paradox? As much as I confess that I want a life partner, I also must confess that I’ve felt at my best when I’ve been alone. It’s like I become the super saiyan version of myself and suddenly goals get met, vacations are had, ideas are put into motion and I feel like I am well on my way to becoming that better version of myself.
So, does this mean I’m meant to be alone?
Do I become super saiyan to prove that I am worthy of a life partner? Or is it because I do not have dead weight to carry that I’m able to accomplish so much?
Can driven or alpha females be viewed as a partner and not a host or competition?
How do I put fear to rest and be my imperfectly-perfect self around someone who seems to have their life all figured out?
I’ve got a whole lot more reflecting to do on this matter but I’m curious to hear your thoughts. Comment or email me. Let’s have a heart to heart!